Sports Widow

The Sports Widow's 13 Horrifying Habits of Sports Fans

October 31, 2008 4:39 PM | 0 Comments

For The Sports Widow, Halloween would be incomplete if I didn't prepare a ghoulish, hair-raising, spine-tingling list of the 13 Horrifying Habits of Sports Fans. So, here it is, Mwah ha ha ha ha ha....

1. They scream and yell like banshees.
2. They have an insatiable appetite for treats in the form of sodas, beers, pizza, and chips.
3. When their teams are performing poorly, they act possessed, making Linda Blair look well-adjusted.
4. They are very particular about their costumes. Don’t lose them and whatever you do, don’t shrink them. And, hide your make-up before games.
5. If they don’t have a designated Fan Room, they will invade your home with garish sports cult paraphernalia: posters, pennants, giant Number 12s at your entryway and, most terrifying of all, team hand towels in your guest bathroom.
6. They have time to watch a 3-hour football game, but they don’t have time to take out the recycling.
7. Their idea of intimacy is watching ESPN Sports Center in the bedroom while you wear a sleep mask and ear plugs.

Sports Widow TV: 13 Horrifying Habits of Sports Fans (Nan Hall, Pam Gray & Rochelle Alhadeff)

8. They are compelled to command the remote and frequently fall asleep clutching it like a pacifier.
9. They can tell you how many touchdowns Brett Farve made in 1988, but they can’t remember your anniversary.
10. If there is an aerial TV in the bar or restaurant you choose, you may as well dine alone.
11. They only let you sit in the La-Z-Boy recliner if you’re pregnant or broke a limb, and even these conditions are debatable.
12. If you let them borrow your car, they will do the audio equivalent of leaving the toilet seat up – they will reprogram your radio channels to sports channels. Yes, Chat with Women will be lost forever.
13. Most diabolical of all, they are body snatchers. They take innocent youth and program them, creating a never-ending supply of sports fan zombies.

Please tell me your additions to the 13 Horrifying Habits of Sports Fans List.

Life is a contact sport. Have a positively fiendish Halloween.

The Sports Widow
(aka Nan Hall)