Bowling Widow

A Sports Widow Sideline Report: Bowling

August 20, 2007 10:49 AM | 1 Comments

As a cheesehead from Milwaukee, Wisconsin, I grew up in a land where the Green Bay Packers, Pabst Blue Ribbon Beer & Johnsonville Brats, cheese and cheese curds and bowling are king. I also grew up watching non-stop television, and one of the random shows in my line-up was Bowling for Dollars. I never understood the rules of the game, but I liked the announcer's nasal Midwestern accent, the thunderous sound of the crashing pins, the finesse of the bowlers and the drama of each player striving to win the almighty dollar. Who can ever tire of this theme?

Believe it or not, my alma mater, Shorewood High School, had two bowling lanes and bowling was among the sequences offered in my favorite subject, gym. Our lanes were adjacent to the Youth Center, and a giant glass picture window flanked the lanes so that students in the Youth Center could observe bowling when they weren't distracted by the popcorn and the strains of Pink Floyd's Money. One of my most embarrassing athletic experiences occurred at this venue. I went through the motions of pulling my arm back, swinging forward to release the ball, and instead of rolling toward the pins, the ball clunked backwards, taking divot out of the wood lane. In my self-conscious mind, thousands of people witnessed this spectacle through the window. My bowling abilities have not matured much beyond this moment in time. Most of my bowling adventures have been with my children. Here is my attempt to pave the lanes for novice bowlers like me.

Sports Widow Bowling Tips
Jeans are preferred. If you decide to use the 2-handed rolling technique, which requires you to stand with bended knees and catapult the ball down the lanes, you won't have to worry about decency. Additionally, jeans buffer any unexpected tumbles.
Children are a plus. When possible, bowl with children so you have an excuse to request bumpers.
Even fictional children are a plus. If no children are available, when you check in, suggest that children MAY be joining you in a short time. As you play, occasionally, look anxiously, expectantly toward the entry. Then, when you're finished and you have achieved that impressive score of 75, act surprised that the children were "no shows." (When you report how well you performed, NOONE needs to know that bumpers were involved. It's kind of like being in Vegas. What happens on the lanes, stays on the lanes.)
Bring foot powder. In the interests of maintaining proper hygeine, bring a can of foot powder so you can spray your shoes prior to wearing.
Pseudonyms R Us. Select a vintage 1950's nickname for yourself and others and inhabit the character throughout the game. This makes the experience much more entertaining and somehow relieves the performance pressure. Stella, Madge, Midge, Ethel for ladies. Biff, Stuey, Chuck, Jim for guys are some suggestions.
Pick the right sized ball. There is nothing worse than trying to hoist an anvil or getting your fingers stuck in holes that are too small for you.
Keep a distance from the pros. *Postion yourself in a lane far, far away from experts. You risk annoying them or inviting know-it-all coaching tips. It's usually easy to spot the professionals: they have their own ball, bag, shoes, wrist guards and swagger.
Performance enhancements. If you imbibe, and the sun's past the yard arm somewhere, I encourage you to take a shot of courage. It can improve your game or at minimum induce a more convivial, carefree attitude. Caffeinated sodas may also give you the boost you need.
Additional tips can be found in: Bowling For Beginners: Simple Steps to Strikes & Spares

Do you have any additional tips for rookie bowlers?
If I were giving out Sports Widow prizes for bowling, I'd investigate gift certificates to a place like Aaron Brothers for picture frames.